I moved a lot when I was a kid so I don’t remember a lot of names of people, just faces. Most of my memories are of some of the stupid stuff I have said or done when I was little. Remember, my social skills weren’t all that great when I was a kid so most of my actions were kinda “strange”. One time in about fourth grade I remember these ball toys with a string attached to them. You strapped it to your wrist and throw the ball and it would come back to you. Well, it wasn’t mine and I was playing with it when the bell rang. The girl asked for it back and before I gave it back to her I throw it up in the air and it landed right on the roof. Lets just say she never got it back. I remember feeling so bad about that. Looking back I still kinda feel bad about it. It’s a kinda weird memory that you want to forget. I believe most of us want to forget those.
Unfortunately, we don’t get take backs. I recently told a friend that I want to get shock therapy so maybe I can forget. He laughed and said “if only it was that easy”. In the bible, it tells us how Jesus makes us new. Even though I am made new in Christ already why do I keep making mistakes? I tend to be a little more hard myself only because I know better. Than when it all comes crashing in my face a part of me just wants to wake up like it never happened. In life, we don’t really get that. We have to live with the choices we have made.
When we are adults it isn’t just the embarrassment; most of the time it is the feeling that memory gives us. I just watched Inside Out and you begin to understand that emotions that you get can trigger “core memories” and these memory make your personality. When this girl starts growing up she realizes that emotion affects who you are. How it is important to have different emotions. Right now, I just don’t want emotions. I kinda want to shut down and give myself a break. Only because sometimes I can’t handle it. When I smell something, I remember something. When I hear something, I can remember a conversation. How I just want to be like Elijah and you want to hide in a cave and ask God to kill me. Why? Because I don’t want to try to survive. The outcome or surviving seems a lot harder. Someone said in a podcast that the presence of God doesn’t just come to us to fix our problems. Sometimes His presence comes to give us a different perspective on things.
I’ve been hearing a lot of “it could have happen to any of us” or “we all make mistakes” my favorite is “you can take this as a learning experience and help someone else with this”. I would like to say that is a bunch of crap because you all know I knew better not to do this because I know I knew better. I can’t take it back . . .
I knew better and now I can’t take back what I have done. Now I have to live the rest of life with these stupid memories that I could have avoided. I can’t live in a cave forever though. Memories can affect who you are but, God can give you different perspective. You guys know better than to tell you some cheesy stuff to make you feel better because honestly yes, you made a mistake. You can’t just make it go away either. You have to live with the choices you have made and keep moving forward. There will be grace. You can keep failing but, grace will always find you. Sometimes we have to live with the choices we have made as adults but, you don’t have that moment define you. Are those memories going to go away. Nope. You have a choice though on how you want to handle those though. Sin is always going to be there and the enemy is always going to try to prove himself right. You have to ask God though to help the right choices to not make anymore hurtful memories. Trust me, the moment you leave God sin starts creating bad memories.