No Take Backs.

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I moved a lot when I was a kid so I don’t remember a lot of names of people, just faces. Most of my memories are of some of the stupid stuff I have said or done when I was little. Remember, my social skills weren’t all that great when I was a kid so most of my actions were kinda “strange”. One time in about fourth grade I remember these ball toys with a string attached to them. You strapped it to your wrist and throw the ball and it would come back to you. Well, it wasn’t mine and I was playing with it when the bell rang. The girl asked for it back and before I gave it back to her I throw it up in the air and it landed right on the roof. Lets just say she never got it back. I remember feeling so bad about that. Looking back I still kinda feel bad about it. It’s a kinda weird memory that you want to forget. I believe most of us want to forget those.

Unfortunately, we don’t get take backs. I recently told a friend that I want to get shock therapy so maybe I can forget. He laughed and said “if only it was that easy”. In the bible, it tells us how Jesus makes us new. Even though I am made new in Christ already why do I keep making mistakes? I tend to be a little more hard myself only because I know better. Than when it all comes crashing in my face a part of me just wants to wake up like it never happened. In life, we don’t really get that. We have to live with the choices we have made.

When we are adults it isn’t just the embarrassment; most of the time it is the feeling that memory gives us. I just watched Inside Out and you begin to understand that emotions that you get can trigger “core memories” and these memory make your personality. When this girl starts growing up she realizes that emotion affects who you are. How it is important to have different emotions. Right now, I just don’t want emotions. I kinda want to shut down and give myself a break. Only because sometimes I can’t handle it. When I smell something, I remember something. When I hear something, I can remember a conversation. How I just want to be like Elijah and you want to hide in a cave and ask God to kill me. Why? Because I don’t want to try to survive. The outcome or surviving seems a lot harder. Someone said in a podcast that the presence of God doesn’t just come to us to fix our problems. Sometimes His presence comes to give us a different perspective on things.

I’ve been hearing a lot of “it could have happen to any of us” or “we all make mistakes” my favorite is “you can take this as a learning experience and help someone else with this”. I would like to say that is a bunch of crap because you all know I knew better not to do this because I know I knew better. I can’t take it back . . .

I knew better and now I can’t take back what I have done. Now I have to live the rest of life with these stupid memories that I could have avoided. I can’t live in a cave forever though. Memories can affect who you are but, God can give you different perspective. You guys know better than to tell you some cheesy stuff to make you feel better because honestly yes, you made a mistake. You can’t just make it go away either. You have to live with the choices you have made and keep moving forward. There will be grace. You can keep failing but, grace will always find you. Sometimes we have to live with the choices we have made as adults but, you don’t have that moment define you. Are those memories going to go away. Nope. You have a choice though on how you want to handle those though. Sin is always going to be there and the enemy is always going to try to prove himself right. You have to ask God though to help the right choices to not make anymore hurtful memories. Trust me, the moment you leave God sin starts creating bad memories.

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I am leaving this planet. 

  I’ve come the realization that I hate the small town life. I hate dating. I hate “just talking”. I hate being pushed. I hate inconvenience. I hate working in customer service. I hate money. I hate not having money. I hate people bragging about their relationships. I hate it when people don’t text me back. I hate it when people leave me hanging. Most of all I hate bragging.

If I had a choice to either be in heaven right now or stay here on earth, I’ll take the ticket to heaven. The other day I told me sister “I have no more hope in the planet” when the world cares more people’s sexual orientation than thousand of people dying. Sometimes I just sit with God and say “I hate being here”. To say it’s not God fault is a lie because the guy brought me here. Sometimes I feel bad for Jesus because he had to come down here and deal with everyone’s problems. Luckily, He is God and he has understanding because clearly I’ve lost all patience with this planet. 

Every time you go on social media it’s either about someone with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Someone got engaged. Someone got married. Someone is having a baby. Or someone just announced something that no one really cares. Also, we stock. We all do it! You stock the person you like social media and some girl comments on their stuff from like months ago and you become insanely jealous. 

I love to see people actually achieve something in their life that is kinda meaning. Not saying that being married and having kids isn’t but, do you really have to brag about it? Maybe it’s just my depression or anxiety kicking in again but, I just want to say #overit.

Sometimes it’s hard to find self worth when people are making it seem it is defined by other people. 

A friend of mine told me I had some serious intamcy issues and the fact I want to be alone all the time isn’t healthy. Which is right? Kinda thinking about it I’ve always kinda been alone up until high school. I moved a lot so getting to “know” people really didn’t matter when you knew that you weren’t staying for long. People become disposable.

I’ve been trying to study the Old Testament and God really surprises me. During creation before He even made man He made all the things man needs to survive. Like Night and Day. Water and land. Plants and animals. Man use to live with animals because God said man needed a helper. It wasn’t good for him to be alone. But it still wasn’t good enough.

Than He made a women. A covenant was made between a man and a wife. The two would become one. Even when mankind fell God still wanted to dwell with His children.

Back in the Old Testament God wanted us to dwell with Him no matter what. They fell so many times. Mankind was so evil God had to wash them away with a flood. Yet, God still wanted us to dwell with Him. They never listened. God gave them prophets to speak to them, no one listened. He delivered them from slavery and promised them new hope yet, they chose not to listen and walked around for 40 years.

Mankind was made to enjoy each other but, God heart is for us to dwell with Him. Humans can’t be alone. Whether it is with people or God but, honestly we need both. It’s all about love. 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4-7‬ ESV)

I want that kinda love. I want that kinda friendship. One that doesn’t brag about what they have but, that is lasting. A love that God prepared for one another. A friendship that holds each other to God’s word. I may not be the most open person in world. Also, I am pretty cold hearted at times. I finally understand that God made all of us to not be alone. We are always going to need one another. 

So, I may have hope for this planet. Not sure yet. I am mostly sure I have a few grammar or spelling errors and the one that comments on it will get “the look” from me. 

The Beauty of Sin?

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I looked in the mirror a couple of weeks ago and saw all the oil on my face. First thing I thought was “umm you look gross” wanting to wash my face so badly. My acne had has started getting worse and so I was looking up on YouTube to see how to put on foundation for acne. Some of videos were super helpful! All new ideas to help get full coverage and better my skin. That’s a win in my book. The more I research I started becoming a bit obsessed. The idea was for me to put on more make up! Highlighting and contouring to slim a face so I don’t look as fat. Eye shadow and eye liner to make my eyes stand out. Red lip stick so I can “stand out”. I’ve spent so much money it is stupid. The more I watched I began to really look at some of these women. Almost all of their skin is bad. Half of them shaved their eyebrows. Also, a popular word they all used was “to get that natural look”. Excuse me? Natural? All of this isn’t natural.

Some of these ladies put so much product on their face no wonder their skin is so bad. Women like to use the term “I need to put on my face” I don’t like that term. This isn’t your face. That is actually sin. Most women can’t leave their house without putting on make up. Some cry because they have to take it off. Spend hundreds of dollars on product. Your damage skin is the product of sin. The sin is showing.

Some of you are going to think “oh my gosh you wear make up”, shimmer down. Yes, I wear it but, I don’t have to. I can live my house without house and feel fine. Nothing about make up is natural yet we are making it to be so. You are taking God design and editing it yourself. You are idealizing your face! When you wake up this maybe the first thing you do. You spend money on it. Get emotional about it. Ladies, do you know the more you put on the more damage you are doing to your skin. You begin to change you natural face. Your face becomes paler. Wrinkles begin to form not from age. Dark circles. Dryness or oils. Yet, we buy more product to cover it.

Do you not believe you are beautiful? Some women like to tell other women “you would look so beautiful with a little bit of make up”, hey you, shut up. Nothing can make you more beautiful than what you are right now. Take off the make up. Let your skin touch the light. See it began to change. Change into the true beauty. I am not saying make up is a bad thing. idealizing it is though. Don’t let beauty become your sin. True beauty come from Christ.

Too Comfortable

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Do you believe that you have much more to offer than just being comfortable? I’ve been seeing this a lot. Actually, I saw it in myself. Sheltering myself and hiding behind this title when God doesn’t give me a title. Church, what are you telling people? Why are we divided? Why aren’t you encouraging your people to live a life that makes them comfortable? You sit there and feed on Jesus but, you starve others. You call it “your ministry” when in fact you telling yourself you are right and others are wrong. Just because I cry during worship doesn’t mean I am depressed it means the spirit has overwhelmed me. You says things are extreme but, you are scared of the conviction God is going to give you. You judge others because they live a life that isn’t comfortable or blue collar. You judge others faith on whether or not they are saved.

I though a settling life was something I wanted but, I hate it. Ever since I moved to this town I’ve starving for God. Yes, this is my own fault. Yet people are telling me differently. They can’t see the hunger. It took panic and pain for me to see this life isn’t what I was called to live. When I picture my life it’s always holding out my hand. Being called to unconditionally love others. This land is full of people who call themselves Christian but, don’t actually follow Christ.

I want to be a disciple. Dropping everything I have to follow the God who called me. Desiring to be undone and to feel his presence at all times. God created so many things and gifts and I want to experience everything that He has for me. I’ve accepted this life I have chosen. The question is; am I doing what I am called? Will I drop everything I have going on in my life to do the will of God. Sometimes we get scarred because we don’t know where that may lead. Sometimes we say “God please don’t send me Africa!” well what if He called you to feed your neighbors? What if He called you to live a life of singleness? Or a life of traveling? Maybe to work a job that doesn’t pay that well? Or a job that calls you to duty or order? Maybe to foster children?

You wake up every sunday morning; dress in your best. Drive to church and say to everyone in the church. Worship starts but, they are just songs. You sit when are told. Service better not go over because Sunday football will be on soon. You hear the word and you think “yes” but, you’re not really listening to God. You think others should follow this and you have a few people in mind but, never yourself.

When we follow Christ it is unpredictable. Nothing is ever for sure because God is clearly going to do whatever He wants with us. We have the free will to do it or not. I want to be called for something greater than what this land has to offer me. My favorite poet Jackie Hill Perry said in a video “If you have to go to extremes to please God, than do so.”

I want to love on everyone because this love isn’t just for me. I don’t people to know I am a Christian because I post stuff or I say I am. People need to see Christ in me in order to see His light. Only His light will ever shine to people.

Oh Praise Him.

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Lately, I’ve realized something about my life. I’m perfectly content. I’ve looked back on these last few months and can finally say I’ve overcome it. I couldn’t have without The Lord. Something started being placed in my head. A thought.

Why do I follow Christ?

Well, because He loves me. It’s because He gave His life for me. He comforts me. I can make a list but, all of them, had to do with me. What He can offer me.

Not to say that His love, comfort, sacrifice, etc. aren’t great things. They are! I just got disturbed because the only reason I follow Christ, is for my own selfish purposes. Never about actually Him.

It really made me reflect on my relationship with Him. So I started thinking about it again. Why do I follow Christ? Now here is my answer.

Because He is simply God. There shouldn’t be a reason really. He was born from a virgin. Walked on water. Turned water into wine. Multiplied fish and bread to feed thousands. Casted out demons just by saying His name. Healed the sick. Became a lamb at the alter. Defeated death!

I follow Christ because He is worthy and I am less. He will forever be a judge and I’m His witness. He made life happen. Can do anything just by speaking – actually breathing.

So no, I don’t praise Him in the storm anymore just so I can get through it. I praise Him because my own darkness that this world created will never turn off His light. Honestly, it got old being about me. I want it to be about Him. I no longer see the valley. I don’t need material things in this world because once leave it won’t be worth it. His light. His grace. His mercy. His awesome power. Forever, reign. My life is so little compared to His.

Now that I look at Him in shut a different way life is so different. I think it’s because He is happy I look at Him differently too.

My wonderful Father, I can’t express how much I love you and yearn to see you. Just to be with you for one moment will be the greatest blessing I will ever realize. I know I am not perfect. Please, break me so that I can be molded to what you have designed for me to be. You created the Earth. You make the moon reflect the sun. You make the waves crash. You make mountains move. There is nothing I fear more than you. Nothing I will ever do be worthy or good enough. So, thank you. For being Father when I’m such an awful child. For grace and mercy when you know I will keep making mistakes. For your forgiveness that I don’t deserve. For your light to guide me in the valley. For being God. The blessing you have showered me with I don’t deserve. My heart will only seek after you. I want my heart to look like yours. Now and forever I will praise you.

that breath.

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Today started off pretty crappy. I woke up with so much anxiety. No reason, well, stupid reasons. My room was a mess. The house was a mess. Food in the sink. My mothers dogs peeing in the house. When my anxiety went to a high, my OCD took control. I began to clean and repeat things over. Going back and forth to my car for a “just in case”. Saw a spider and drove back home to tell my Dad and shut the screen. All I could see was the spidering biting my Dad; I would be the reason for his death! Started driving to work (again) than drove back.

It was an exhausting morning. Plus, work was busy and I was by myself. I kept trying to control my breathing and pulse. But the harder I tried the worst it felt. I couldn’t help but to think of the mess. The mess I would come home to. Making a list of all the things I had to do. Feeling like I was drowning yet again in my own panic.

I began to space out in my own mind. It was like I was on autopilot. Than a lady came up to ship a package. She said “I love your name!”

“Oh thank you” I said smiling feeling a bit awkward actually.

“You have a special name” she smiled . She began to tell me a story about why my name is so special. Her best friend years ago was pregnant with a little baby boy. Than of a sudden something was wrong. Her water broke way too early. She gave birth to a still born baby. They named their dead son Kendall. The mother went into a deep depression and so did many others. She said, that if was able to give birth she was going to name her child with the remembrance of her son Kendall. Her son, that she carried and never heard him cry. Never watched him moved. Never seen him alive. The mother became pregnant again. She gave birth to a little girl who was born screaming her head off. They named her Kendra.

She looked so happy and also sad. Kendra was like a breath of air you take after you feel like you have been drowning. The light in the darkness. All this baby had to do was, be born.

What a special name.

It didn’t settle in when I got home. I woke in a bad mood. Pissed off at everything. Than I realized I want that breath. My anxiety. My mind. It’s been my drowning water. I can never breathe. I’m surround by water and I feel like I’m going to die. My life with anxiety is exhausting. I want to go to surface and breathe.

I want to breathe. The funny thing is, we have to drown to get that wonderful breath. We can’t go to the surface. No, you won’t die. You’ll be fine. For awhile though life will rise like the water. Surrounding you. There’s nothing you can do. The more you fight it; the faster you’ll die. But if you’re patient and still. Soon the water will stop. You’ll feel the calm of waves than reach to the surface. Now take that first breath.

time to breath.

Single & Okay.

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I’ve felt like every Christ Following women feel the need to find a man and get married. Been hearing phrases like “well once you find someone” or “God will give you the desires of your heart”. Who said my happiness or future is with a man? Last time I checked my hope and desire should be to pursue God. Not to pursue God only for hopes that He finds me a man.

It breaks my hearts to see these women who have no idea who life is like with a man. I’ve lived 20 years without one. 20 years without sex, without even kissing. I’m perfectly happy.

I was at point where I wasn’t okay with being single and I kept praying to God to give me somebody. Than I gave up on God and starting looking myself. I left my myself with an impure mind and a broken heart. Than, I had another prayer.

God, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to be sad or alone. All I want in this life and the next is to only be with you. My heart belongs to you. My love belongs to you. You are mine and I am yours. Give me the desires of your heart. Not of mine will but, yours.

Than contentment set in. I’m single and not lonely. God gave me a desire with photography. No, I’m not going to be once of “those girls” who says I don’t need a man. There is nothing wrong with marriage or God blessing you with that part of your life. When man was created they needed a women. It’s the nature that God made us to desire.

Your wants shouldn’t become your idol though. Being able to be blessed with someone for a short amount of time for me was the best experience of my life. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything. It wasn’t what God wanted for me in my life. He wants something different.

Ladies, be content with your singleness. The gospel tells us we should try to remain single! Jesus’s bride was the church! You were made so much more. Being single is such a gift and you don’t even know it. If God hasn’t put someone in your life yet there is always a reason. Instead of falling in love with a man who may not even be your husband fall more in love with Christ. He’s love for you is greater than any man can give you!

Please, for those of you who are in a relationship do not feel it’s is necessary to keep telling single women those phrases I mentioned. You are giving them “hope” which honestly they don’t need your words but God alone. The honest truth is you don’t know. The reason I am blogging right now is because people have been throwing relationships in my own face. The only thing a women needs is to know The Lord and to seek only Him! When a women seeks after a man she defeats the purpose of a man pursuing or God placing. You place loneliness inside of women instead of hope. You need to stop!

If you are in a relationship and not married and your boyfriend consumes your life you have places him as an idol. You sought after a man and not God. This man can not give you what The Lord can. Placing him in front of God is shameful and you need to end the relationship. This is how you know your boyfriend is now your God.

1. You no longer hang out with other people.

2. You’ve lost time to read Gods word by yourself.

3. When wake up thinking of him.

4. You do anything for him.

5. You want him with all your heart.

6. You can’t stop thinking about him.

7. All you do is talk about him.

I hope you realize that being single is a blessing and something that isn’t shameful. Is it hard? Yes! Gods word is true though. His love is greater. His mercy and forgiveness is never ending.

Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭25-26‬ ESV)

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. (‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭7‬:‭8‬ ESV)

Boom. Lawyered.